Without Vera
by futuremrsbates99
Summary: A slight re-working of the walk to the flower show. What if there had been no Vera, what if she was already dead and what if that cart had never come to offer John a lift, how would the conversation have played out? Short piece, very fluffy! Reviews and favourites appreciated xo


"Nothing's harder to live with than false hope." He said in that mysterious riddled way that I had always hated, why couldn't he just be straight with me for once? Why couldn't he just be honest with me, for once in his life!

"I wish you'd just come out with it." This was the first time I had spoken to a man like this, it made me feel empowered and he was the reason for me speaking like this, therefore the reason for my feeling this way, as always he was the cause my any inappropriate feelings I felt.

"With what?"

"Whatever it is you're keeping secret." I knew he wouldn't lie to me, he had never said a dishonest word to me since he walked in the servants hall on his first afternoon, he would tell me truth or at least not try to deny it, I knew him well enough to presume that. He glanced at the rest of the group we had been walking with, to check the distance was large enough for us to speak openly without the risk of being overheard, then looked back at me.

"I can't."

"You don't deny it then?" I asked hoping to see a glimmer of hope in the man standing opposite me, could he ever feel the same way I did?

"No, I don't deny it. And I don't deny you've a right to ask. But I can't, I'm not a free man." Nothing could have pleased me more, right now I couldn't care if he was a proven murderer, there was a chance, that maybe he felt the same as me, even in the slightest aspect. My love for him was unconditional, now more than ever, but I did have to know what he meant, so I went for the obvious presumption.

"Are you trying to tell me that you're married? Because I love you Mr. Bates, I know it's not ladylike to say it but I'm not a lady and I don't pretend to be."

"Anna, look, I was married but now I'm just a widower. Anyway, that isn't what I meant, I am not free to love you no matter what we both feel, I will not deny you the chance of real happiness." So this wasn't about the fact that he couldn't love me, it was that he wouldn't, I love everything about him even the fact he believes that everyone is above him, but I cannot abide his self-loathing and constant belief that he was not good enough for happiness.

"You know I say only what I mean, I'm not one for white-lying and dishonest tact, as I said before I don't pose as a lady and never will. Now listen to me, John Bates, if you can honestly tell me that you don't have feelings for me, I will accept that but until that day I won't allow you to keep making choices for me, you think that just because I'm in love with you, I will obey your every order that if you tell me to go and live a different life to the one I want then I will. No, if you think that then you don't know me very well do you now?" I couldn't believe the words coming out of my mouth, I felt I should excuse myself for my out of turn reaction but I couldn't bring myself to let the words of apology leave my mouth.

"Anna, I will never say that I don't have feelings for you, because I am not an untruthful man, and I don't want you to go and live a different life, but you must, I cannot provide with the things that you want and I would never forgive myself for tying a young, beautiful woman such as yourself to an old cripple of a man like me-" I couldn't bear it anymore, I had never interrupted any man before, ever but I just spoke without thinking.

"Stop it! For goodness sake, there is nothing I want more than you! There I said it, I said what I really feel, I let down the floodgates and soon I will drown, but I need you to understand that there is nothing you cannot give me, I ask for one thing, and one thing alone. You to accept that we are more than just the friends we were when you first came here. All I want is you to be honest with me and stop telling me that the reason you keep denying this is because you don't want to steal me away from a better life, with a better man and a better home. Because Mr. Bates none of that would be any better, in fact it would be worse in comparison." Oh my! Had I really just said all of those things, all those things I had kept bottled up since the moments I had first layed eyes on him.

"Anna, I will never lie to you. I can promise you that, if I thought you would honestly be happy with me, never want for anything more I would take you now and we would be wed, you would have my children and we would live in a scrubby little house together. But I know, even if you don't yet, that one day you would resent me for stopping you from going after a younger man, in a better position, and I could never forgive myself when that day came." Here he goes again, with all the self-hate and believing himself unworthy of a life even tinged with joy. When would he come to terms with the fact that he is a good man, a great man in fact, the man that I have fallen in love with. "Please, just get out while you can, leave your feelings for me in the past and find a proper gentleman for yourself, if you have not found happiness in ten years time, I beg you to come and find me and we will be wed if you still feel the same."

"Mr. Bates, I need not wait ten years to know that I will feel the same for you, I have felt this way since the moment I first saw you and I know I feel this way until the last breath leaves my body. I don't see any point in waiting for me to not find happiness elsewhere, when I know you can provide me with that, just tell me that want me to leave right now and I will, I'll go back to Downton, pack my things and leave without notice to go and find a 'proper gentleman' but unless those precise words pass your lips, I'm not going anywhere." This could probably be considered blackmail in some respects but I needed a straight answer, I had to have it, I either had to mourn the loss of love or cherish it in every waking moment of my life, I would not be stuck waiting for him to make the decision.

"God knows I love you, Anna." There they were, those four words that made me feel like I was about to melt under the sunlight but then he had to go and ruin the moment. "But it is for the best that you leave, it will make you happy, which is the only thought that can please me in this world."

"You didn't say it, so I'm not leaving anytime soon, not without you at least." This was almost definitely some form of blackmail.

This was what shocked me the most, I had expected him to further try and reason with me and then eventually find an excuse to change the subject but instead I suddenly felt his lips on mine, my eyes were closed and his arms were at my waist. Snaking my arms around his neck and opening my mouth just a little, but not so much that it would be taken badly. Almost too soon, his lips parted from mine, and he pulled me closer to him, that was the most extraordinary thing that I had ever felt, I was in love with this man, undoubtedly. Then he pulled away, and straightened his jacket before ushering me to walk with him, keeping a respectable distance between us, I knew what was coming but I couldn't bear the thought of those two little words leaving his mouth. Before I could think them, he said them:

"I'm sorry." I huffed, maybe a little too loudly because I was almost certain I heard a snigger. "Really Anna, I shouldn't have done that, it definitely was not the gentlemanly thing to do in this situation and I hope you do not find me terribly forward." This made me giggle uncontrollably, he frowned at me a little confused and I wanted to explain my outburst but I couldn't calm myself at the thought of him acting forward after I openly declared my love to him, completely out of the blue and unprompted.

"It's just you, saying I might think you forward, when I told you I loved you, out in broad daylight where anyone might hear us!" I was pleased at the look on his face, it seemed he was about to laugh too but we were interrupted by the very thick Scottish accent of Mrs. Hughes shouting down from a good few yards down the road.

"Hurry up, slowpokes! You're never going to get there on time at this rate!" We both looked at each other and started to walk a little faster, though I didn't want this to end, the Mr. Bates who would kiss me and admitted that he loved me. Who knows when he will next make an appearance in my life...


End file.
